Parenting Philosophy Toolbox, Part 6

(This is part 6 of a series. To see the the first part, click here.)

6. Cooperation is essential between parents; there must be agreement. If I haven't drilled it enough yet, it's time to do so. You as a parent are responsible for helping your child develop a certain and defined sense of the world. However, if Daddy says one thing, Mommy says another, (and any other caregiver says yet another), then the system falls apart.

As an example, most parents have cell phones these days. And most babies and toddlers are fascinated by anything with buttons, lights, colors, motion, sounds, etc. As such, there will often be times in which a baby or toddler will come into contact with a parent's cell phone. There are many parents who are dead-set against their children biting on, drooling on, or otherwise manipulating their phones. Many other parents are more lackadaisical with regard to how their children treat their phones. Conflicting messages occur when these two distinct types are parents of the same children.

That's not to say that things don't change. This is where communication becomes very important. When the kid goes to bed, it's time for parents to talk. (Adjust for plurals accordingly for parents of multiple children.) Discussions need to occur about behaviors the child is exhibiting. What new developments are in progress? Is the child showing signs of illness? Teething pain? Growth spurts? Emotional or mental spurts? Is the child practicing a new skill that may soon radically alter his regular behavior?

Important at this time, too, is that both parents get time to vent. Frustrations they have at work or around the house need to be expressed and resolved, preferably on a daily basis, so that maximum peace and happiness can be maintained. If one parent feels that the other just "doesn't understand" what she's going through, odds are good that there's a communication breakdown somewhere. Ideally speaking the venting of frustrations should be enacted out of hearing of the child. Babies, toddlers, and even older children often cannot distinguish between someone speaking heatedly about an argument or difficulty from earlier in the day and a presently occurring disagreement.

This can be challenging to ensure but valuable to pursue. One thing I have noticed is that men, on average, are very poor at multi-tasking. Much as I love my husband, I need to acknowledge this aspect of his character and remember that while I may often act like the queen of ADD, his ability to focus is dramatically greater than my own. The challenging aspect of this is when he comes home from work after a particularly nerve-rending day. He often immediately wants to divest himself of the weight of the thoughts he's been carrying throughout the day by sharing his aggravations with me. Typically this will happen while I am washing dishes or making dinner in the kitchen, which is sectioned apart by a baby gate from the foyer/living/dining space. Meanwhile, Jackson sees "Daddy!" and lovingly runs to him, glomping onto his leg and begging for attention. Andrew will be so focused on relating his tales and making eye contact with me that he will be oblivious to the wailing, sobbing, shouting, or otherwise attention-seeking behavior Jackson attempts to shift Daddy's gaze downward. With my own self being rather easily distracted (and deeply entrenched in my role as primary caregiver of our son), I often feel torn between being an active listener and participant in conversation with my husband--whose feelings and thoughts I value highly--and my darling little boy who just wants some love from his father whom he hasn't seen in 9 hours or more.

Because of situations like this, I often find myself in a position to tell Andrew what to do. Luckily he is willing and able to observe Jackson's needs when I remind him in cases like the one described above. Often one of the main pieces of information I have to convey to my husband is how our son's day developed. Kids change so quickly, and the events of a single day have significant impact. Andrew relies on me to keep him up to date on Jackson's latest abilities. For example, when he learned to drink from a cup or suddenly demonstrated greater skill at using a fork. These are important things to share so that Andrew knows what to expect when he's doing his part as a parent, since he's not as lucky as me in getting to spend all day with Jackson. I'm also the little man's interpreter so that he can be better understood. Any new vocabulary or signs that Jackson develops I relate to Andrew because when our toddler stands at the window shouting "Ah eh! Ah eh!" it's not really all that obvious that he is hoping to see an airplane.

Raising children is a long and complicated process. While young children are generally fairly good at making their needs known, the ability to express confusion or distress when parents disagree is not always there. A child's egocentric world cannot fathom that Mommy doesn't know Daddy taught him a new word or that Daddy doesn't know Mommy showed her little girl how to throw away trash. Communication between parents (and other caregivers) facilitates the knowledge of a particular child, helping that child to be better understood, which in turn can help the child to feel more secure and joyful as she goes about her job of being young.