Some of you have noticed the sharp decline in posts over the past year. I've scarcely managed to put out anything. Why is that, you wonder?
Let's take a stop in at the Cheerios Garden and find out.
Rewind back to December 2007. I did that whole birthing thing on the last day of the year. A week later, my darling husband went back to school to work on finishing his Bachelors degree. He worked full time and took 1 or 2 classes every semester until May of 2010. It was difficult, but we managed it. We thought we had it hard then.
Over the summer of 2010, Andrew (that's DH) attempted to job hunt and interviewed all over the country. We had no idea what we were going to be doing in a few months. We had an upstairs neighboring family that repeatedly came home late at night and allowed their young children to use the Wii Fit at insane hours. We traveled to Georgia with our child for several days. And after enjoying all that stress in his first semester off in 2 and a half years, Andrew came down with shingles, hardcore, and spent the worse part of a month in painful agony.
What does that have to do with my blogging? Well, I kept up okayish during that time. I made some posts as I could, despite spending a good deal of my time picking up the parenting/household maintenance slack and being in chronic pain (n.b. I had been suffering from a spinal injury to my neck from December 2006 still).
And then in the fall of 2010, Andrew started graduate school. He disappeared even more from our lives. Shortly thereafter, my pain level had finally subsided, miraculously, after nearly 4 years of chronic pain. I actually had some days each week in which I felt human again. (That's also gone again; I was rear-ended again this May, with new injuries, and I'm still in physical therapy twice a week.)
And a couple of weeks later, Jackson stopped napping.
Guess which had the most effect on my blogging?
He was about 2 months shy of his 3rd birthday, and Jackson went from napping 3 hours a day while I rested and blogged, to zilch. To make matters worse, he sometimes would really need a nap, and I would let him take one.... If I woke him after a short nap, he turned into a gremlin. If I let him sleep a full 2 and a half or 3 hours, he woke refreshed and didn't feel the least bit tired until some time after midnight--at which point, I started turning into a gremlin.
This cycle continued for a few months. MONTHS. Do you understand how long that is? We went from a predictable, easy, daily schedule that was naturally maintained and preserved as sacred to this horrid cycle of unpredictability. There was no winning. No matter what we did, someone was going to lose, and it was usually all of us.
But mostly, and this may be me being egocentric, I feel like I was the one who lost. I lost my time to myself. I lost peace and healing rest. I lost my blogging hours. Right now, I'm trying to write this with Andrew sitting next to me, and I had to ask him to STFU and not interrupt. But I feel like a jerk because this is nearly 10pm on a Friday. It should be OUR time.
But it's never my time anymore. Ever.
I didn't realize just how little "me" time I'd been getting until about a month ago. I was scheduled to go for a moms' night out (MNO) with some other mom friends. And much as I love their company and our little infrequent gatherings (usually about 3x per year at most), there was this selfish little homonculus talking in my head, saying, "Don't go. Just find a quiet place to sit and do nothing. You'll love it!"
Well, I did go, and I really did have a great time. But what about me? Well, I took the advice of that homonculus, finally.
Last week, we went to a pumpkin patch as a family. It's a fairly lame one, so I'm told, but it has a bounce house and a hay wagon pulled by a tractor, which is plenty enough for Jackson to be content. The pumpkin patch, such as it is, gets held by the church on whose grounds it occupies each year. This was our 3rd year attending and the first time I'd noticed a "Meditation Walk" sign at the edge of a woody area.
I informed Andrew that my phone was left at home and that he was going to be on duty while our spawn enjoyed shaking his brains in the bounce house. And I went to explore this Meditation Walk place.
I was expecting more of a walk in terms of distance, but what I got was much better. There was a stream that was partially underground, partially exposed. There were dead tree branches suspended in midair by their living compatriots. There were enormous Tarzan-swing-able vines hanging ubiquitously. And I was all by myself. It was delicious.
I had no clock, watch, cell phone, computer, or anything of the sort. I sat and thought about my life. I thought about things that were making me happy. I thought about things that were stressing my brain. I thought about things I wanted to change or to be able to change. I allowed myself not to worry about my son. I allowed myself not to worry about my husband. For a brief span, it was just about me and how I felt.
Then I heard my name being shouted irritably, "Jessica!" I got up and brushed off the dirt and dragged myself back out of such a glorious place.
I'd had my 45 minutes. It was time to go back to the Real World.
I hadn't really resolved anything other than that I need more time to just breathe and be me. We have 14 more months until Andrew finishes his masters degree. I have forbidden him to even consider a doctoral program. Jackson will be nearly 5 when Andrew gets this degree, having known his father as a perpetual student and part-time figure in his life, his entire life.
What will I do when I no longer have to be a parent and three quarters? Will I write more? Will I meditate? Will I learn French (which I've been putting off)? Will I learn guitar? Will anything change?
I'll have to see where I am in another 14 months. Until then, I'm sorry for the limited posts. I know some of you have depended on me to demonstrate the grossness and absurdness of parenting. Some of you have even told me how helpful I've been by writing this blog. You guys are awesome. Seriously.
So please, baby, understand, it's not you, it's me. It's just that I've got this thing in my life right now, and all, and it's not that I don't love you, baby. It's not that at all. And if it really bothers you...come babysit my kid so I can get some writing time! <3
Friday, October 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Girl Effect
This is a blog post that I wrote back in October of 2010, and for some reason, I never posted it to the blog! Here it is, in all its delayed glory!
I spent a huge portion of my life involved in Girl Scouts USA. For those of you not in the United States, this is the same group as Girl Guides. Growing up, we learned a lot of delightful things about how to be empowered women. We learned about leadership and different skillsets that we could pursue. We learned self-sufficiency and a whole host of wonderful ways to be a positive influence in the world.
Yet, after watching the videos at The Girl Effect, I am forced to recognize that not everyone had that kind of background. Starting today, this page will be sporting the banner ad for The Girl Effect. Their message is simple: empower young women, and the whole world will benefit.
The simplicity of it makes it feasible. There are so many humanitarian efforts out there that overcomplicate the issue of how to help others. Even those who seemingly know that it's better to "teach a man to fish" rather than to just "feed him for a day", these same folks still often get it wrong. How can we help?
As armchair philanthropists, many people feel the simplest way they can help is to write a check or swipe a credit card. We don't all want to go to Bangladesh and get involved on a personal level. And what this site is telling us is that we don't have to do that at all. What needs to happen, they claim, is that we need to foster a situation in which teenage girls are encouraged to stay in school until at least 18 years of age.
There are myriad ways of making something like this happen. Funding a school, providing school uniforms for students who can't attend because of an apparel requirement, micro-lending, etc. These are just some random ideas off the top of my head. And if you don't feel like going it alone, get a group together of people who feel that the women of the world are a worthy cause and pool your efforts. It doesn't have to be anything formal.
Go watch the videos on the title link above (if you haven't already) and come back here.
Done yet?
Okay.
I'm going to make it easy for you to help others. My blog is really about helping parents to raise their children in the best fashion they possibly can manage. Parenting doesn't stop at your own children. And who knows? Maybe by helping children in other parts of the world, you'll have a net positive effect on your own child. It could very well be that you manage to empower and inspire a young girl to grow to be a future world leader that does many great and wonderful things to improve the world. And in the process, you can tell your child(ren) about the idea so that they can think globally as well. And you can tell your friends, so that maybe they will be interested in being proactive as well. And pretty soon, all those little efforts build up to great efforts with great effects.
How can you start?
Micro-lending is a fairly new phenomenon. It helps people worldwide to afford to start small businesses. Rather than just throwing money at a problem, you instead invest in someone who, in return, pays you back with interest. Here are some places that do micro-lending:
NOTE: I am in no way affiliated with these sites, nor have I personal experience in these particular ones. They were what came up in a Google search.
Kiva: http://www.kiva.org/ "We are a non-profit organization with a mission to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty. Leveraging the internet and a worldwide network of microfinance institutions, Kiva lets individuals lend as little as $25 to help create opportunity around the world."
Accion: http://www.accion.org/ "Accion's mission is to give people the financial tools they need--microloans, business training, and other financial services--to work their way out of poverty."
Prosper: http://www.prosper.com/ "We want to connect people who want to invest money with people who want to borrow money."
And because I've focused on The Girl Effect, here are a couple other great links:
Women for Women: http://www.womenforwomen.org/index.php "Helping women survivors of war rebuild their lives."
Center for Effective Philanthropy: http://www.effectivephilanthropy.org/index.php "The Center for Effective Philanthropy (CEP) provides foundations and other philanthropic funders with comparative data to enable higher performance." [Disclosure: I have a friend who works at this company, and she LOVES her job. What a great idea for a business!]
_________________________________________________
I spent a huge portion of my life involved in Girl Scouts USA. For those of you not in the United States, this is the same group as Girl Guides. Growing up, we learned a lot of delightful things about how to be empowered women. We learned about leadership and different skillsets that we could pursue. We learned self-sufficiency and a whole host of wonderful ways to be a positive influence in the world.
Yet, after watching the videos at The Girl Effect, I am forced to recognize that not everyone had that kind of background. Starting today, this page will be sporting the banner ad for The Girl Effect. Their message is simple: empower young women, and the whole world will benefit.
The simplicity of it makes it feasible. There are so many humanitarian efforts out there that overcomplicate the issue of how to help others. Even those who seemingly know that it's better to "teach a man to fish" rather than to just "feed him for a day", these same folks still often get it wrong. How can we help?
As armchair philanthropists, many people feel the simplest way they can help is to write a check or swipe a credit card. We don't all want to go to Bangladesh and get involved on a personal level. And what this site is telling us is that we don't have to do that at all. What needs to happen, they claim, is that we need to foster a situation in which teenage girls are encouraged to stay in school until at least 18 years of age.
There are myriad ways of making something like this happen. Funding a school, providing school uniforms for students who can't attend because of an apparel requirement, micro-lending, etc. These are just some random ideas off the top of my head. And if you don't feel like going it alone, get a group together of people who feel that the women of the world are a worthy cause and pool your efforts. It doesn't have to be anything formal.
Go watch the videos on the title link above (if you haven't already) and come back here.
Done yet?
Okay.
I'm going to make it easy for you to help others. My blog is really about helping parents to raise their children in the best fashion they possibly can manage. Parenting doesn't stop at your own children. And who knows? Maybe by helping children in other parts of the world, you'll have a net positive effect on your own child. It could very well be that you manage to empower and inspire a young girl to grow to be a future world leader that does many great and wonderful things to improve the world. And in the process, you can tell your child(ren) about the idea so that they can think globally as well. And you can tell your friends, so that maybe they will be interested in being proactive as well. And pretty soon, all those little efforts build up to great efforts with great effects.
How can you start?
Micro-lending is a fairly new phenomenon. It helps people worldwide to afford to start small businesses. Rather than just throwing money at a problem, you instead invest in someone who, in return, pays you back with interest. Here are some places that do micro-lending:
NOTE: I am in no way affiliated with these sites, nor have I personal experience in these particular ones. They were what came up in a Google search.
Kiva: http://www.kiva.org/ "We are a non-profit organization with a mission to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty. Leveraging the internet and a worldwide network of microfinance institutions, Kiva lets individuals lend as little as $25 to help create opportunity around the world."
Accion: http://www.accion.org/ "Accion's mission is to give people the financial tools they need--microloans, business training, and other financial services--to work their way out of poverty."
Prosper: http://www.prosper.com/ "We want to connect people who want to invest money with people who want to borrow money."
And because I've focused on The Girl Effect, here are a couple other great links:
Women for Women: http://www.womenforwomen.org/index.php "Helping women survivors of war rebuild their lives."
Center for Effective Philanthropy: http://www.effectivephilanthropy.org/index.php "The Center for Effective Philanthropy (CEP) provides foundations and other philanthropic funders with comparative data to enable higher performance." [Disclosure: I have a friend who works at this company, and she LOVES her job. What a great idea for a business!]
_______________________________________________
So, apparently I hadn't posted this last October because I didn't have the links, so now they are there. Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Truthiness
I've just had several encounters with a youthful personage (not my own spawn) that have got me thinking on the subject of honesty. So, given that it's on the brain, here goes.
I'm a big advocate of honesty being the best policy. Sure, sometimes, there are situations in which it is best not to reveal the whole extent of the truth (i.e. telling young children how long they will be stuck in a car on a road trip; telling a squeamish child the intricacies of how their sausage was made; revealing too far in advance details of plans for something really fun that have a very real chance of getting canceled, etc.).
Then there are times when it is inappropriate. Unfortunately, adults have a bad habit of teaching children to lie. We do it from a very early time in a child's life, and unless a great deal of care is taken, kids will perpetuate this handy trick and expand upon it significantly, refining and polishing skills at falsehood until fibbing becomes a well-practiced art.
How do adults do this? Well, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman actually discuss this is their book, NurtureShock. You can read their findings on the subject here.
And I quote:
Let me ask you (as one perhaps ought not to ask a child):
Do you ever ask a child things like: Did you take Ava's toy? Did you hit Jeremy? Did you draw all over the wall with crayons? Especially when you know darn well the child did in fact do those things?
How about this: If the child says yes to any of those questions, do you get angry? Do you yell? Is there a punishment?
Riddle me this, Batman: What incentive is there for the child to admit to doing wrong? What benefit does she gain by this questioning process? She's more likely to lose by it. Every time. Eventually, some fragile little part of one's precious little snowflake snaps, and the untruthful homunculus saunters out and spreads the seeds of dishonesty.
Bronson and Merryman claim that the studies they read indicated lying to be a measure of intelligence, in very young children.
So, is it a good thing that we teach our children to lie to us? Should I be pleased that my not-quite-3-and-a-half year old son is getting quite adept at making up stories? [A recent favorite: "My grandfather is fierce! He used to make toothbrushes!" I suspect this one was related to a dream, as it came just after he woke from a reverie.] I want to encourage him to write stories of his own, but then am I encouraging him to blur the boundary between truth and fiction?
On the other hand, one of the books on my Amazon Wish List is Already Ready: Nurturing Writers in Preschool and Kindergarten. Up until now, my thoughts regarding the suggestions of the authors revolved around whether or not the activity would impede or improve my son's progress toward learning and loving to read and write. The authors assert that children should write books and draw pictures associated with the "words", even before they know how to read and write or even know their letters. This is a similar notion to one in the Tools of the Mind classrooms, which assert that even such young children who scribble fake writing will remember what they "wrote" and can "read" it back to others. By using such methods, am I helping or hurting my child's honesty skills?
Having read NurtureShock when my son was very young, I made early attempts to curb behaviors of my own and my husband's that I thought would contribute to the development of untruthfulness. Truth has been a big issue with me for most of my life. I'm not perfect, though: I still fib often enough. But I try to avoid an outright lie as much as possible. When I see a friend's child whom I am expected to praise, and to my own eyes, the child isn't anything my eyeballs care to focus on, I will not exclaim over how insane beautiful said child is. I've seen people make absurdly effusive comments on the issue of beautiful babies when there is clearly no such element to the baby in question. Sure, it's better than saying, "Hey, um, are you sure you put the right end of the kid in the diaper?" But isn't it also possible to make comments other than on the beauty (or lack thereof) of a child? How about how sweet, adorable, happy, cheerful, fun, playful, calm, rambunctious, fiesty, gentle, bright-eyed, quick, observant, mobile, strong, or clever the child is?
Bronson and Merryman talk about these kinds of white lies as a way in which parents encourage their children to lie. Parents look on their efforts as teaching children to be polite. But aren't they really teaching insincerity? How about instead, we teach children to find the silver lining? Or to tactfully tell the truth?
I am reminded of a rant I wrote several years ago (April 2003) in a vent of frustration about Being Nice:
I read a lot of pre-20th Century fiction, and the word nice as it was used then is different from how it is used now. Niceness has changed in meaning a great deal over time. Women were "nice" with their apparel being arranged just-so. Manners were "nice," and "disaffected" and "disinterestedness" were good things.
So, if one avoids being "nice" and aims to reduce punishments that reward the parents with dishonest children, what kinds of consequences result?
Consider what it means for a child to argue: one, we already know the child is being open with the parent. There is a certain level of trust there. Two, teens are developing their reasoning skills. To argue with a parent or another adult is to practice this newly developed surge in logical deduction. Three, children of all ages learn by testing their boundaries. Does no always mean no? How about when your back is turned?
If the child is arguing about a rule or a decision, it really is a sign of respect that should not be ignored. Some parents get this far and then mess it up by throwing out an ultimatum like "Because I said so." Some others prefer to wade in vagueries and hope the child gives up the pursuit. This is not helping the child to understand the reasoning the parent is using, so if the teenager cannot comprehend a sufficient reason to follow the rule or decision, he is far more likely to do what he wants anyway and try not to get caught.
From what I've read by those who have really studied the matters of parenting and child development, it seems like honesty with your children is the best policy. But only so much as they need. (For example, when your 5 year old child asks about things like sex, only answer the questions that are asked, and answer them honestly and briefly. No bees, flowers, gardens, or other confusing metaphors.) Ultimatums and waffles do not help develop your teenager's burgeoning rationality but rather fight against it. A child is much better protected against vice when she understands the reasons behind avoiding it. Because I Said So only teaches the child that she shouldn't do something because her dad is mean and won't let her, even though she really wants to do it. And dad just "doesn't get it". It's like throwing a crowbar into a relationship and dividing things between the overbearing authoritarian parent who merely wants to be obeyed (and cannot understand how the world makes sense otherwise) and the child who merely wants to be granted some power in her own life, to be allowed to make mistakes and learn and grow (and can't understand why her authoritarian parents never listen to her).
A waffle parent that just avoids conflict and never gives any kind of response is just as bad, if not worse. "Maybe" that never turns to a solid answer, never gets explained, never gets discussed becomes a source of frustration for a teenager, and disincentivizes a child from even bothering to ask permission. "Well, mom is just going to ignore the question anyway, so I'll just do it and hope she doesn't get mad later." This leaves the kid floundering, drowning, with no spring board for rational development.
Open, honest communication about the reasons (or most of them) for a parental decision will help the child to understand early on in life that his parents do not just randomly decide things--that there is a basis behind the choices parents and other adults make and this basis is often very important. Understanding, too, that arguments do not have to be detrimental to a relationship, can go a long way. In Formal Logic, an argument is merely how a position is framed for asserting something. The child can bring an argument to his parents without it being a fight. A conversation may begin about whether or not the child can stay the night at a friend's house. Rather than say "Yes, because that's okay with me" or "No, because I said so" or "Maybe......", a discussion of the idea and its soundness could result. "Well, if Mason's parents didn't have to go into work on the weekends, I wouldn't have a problem with it. How about Mason staying over here instead?" or "Not this weekend, because we have other plans/haven't met Mason or his parents and would like to do that first." or "Yes, but I need to speak with his parents first to discuss the details and make sure everything is in order before making a final determination." Whatever the situation calls for.
Let's help our children become the best adults they can be by helping teach them by example. Let's demonstrate honesty as an effective policy. Let's establish trust between parent and child by not demanding that our children curb their own feelings. Let's avoid pushing our progeny into situations where they feel compelled to dishonest responses. Let's cherish the ability of our children to come up with solutions to problems and share them with us, without considering such an affront to our self-considered superiority. Let's remember that the end-game of parenting is to have a fully-functional adult come out of the process and provide the tools that will help such an adult evolve.
And let's be honest: we're not going to be perfect about it!
I'm a big advocate of honesty being the best policy. Sure, sometimes, there are situations in which it is best not to reveal the whole extent of the truth (i.e. telling young children how long they will be stuck in a car on a road trip; telling a squeamish child the intricacies of how their sausage was made; revealing too far in advance details of plans for something really fun that have a very real chance of getting canceled, etc.).
Then there are times when it is inappropriate. Unfortunately, adults have a bad habit of teaching children to lie. We do it from a very early time in a child's life, and unless a great deal of care is taken, kids will perpetuate this handy trick and expand upon it significantly, refining and polishing skills at falsehood until fibbing becomes a well-practiced art.
How do adults do this? Well, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman actually discuss this is their book, NurtureShock. You can read their findings on the subject here.
And I quote:
Kids lie early, often, and for all sorts of reasons—to avoid punishment, to bond with friends, to gain a sense of control. But now there’s a singular theory for one way this habit develops: They are just copying their parents.So, indeed, we are teaching them by example. And moreover, we encourage the continuance by our own behaviors. I know some of you right now are reading this and thinking, "Bulldoody! (You know you thought that word.) I never do any such thing, and I'm an adult!" But, oh, think again!
Let me ask you (as one perhaps ought not to ask a child):
Do you ever ask a child things like: Did you take Ava's toy? Did you hit Jeremy? Did you draw all over the wall with crayons? Especially when you know darn well the child did in fact do those things?
How about this: If the child says yes to any of those questions, do you get angry? Do you yell? Is there a punishment?
Riddle me this, Batman: What incentive is there for the child to admit to doing wrong? What benefit does she gain by this questioning process? She's more likely to lose by it. Every time. Eventually, some fragile little part of one's precious little snowflake snaps, and the untruthful homunculus saunters out and spreads the seeds of dishonesty.
Bronson and Merryman claim that the studies they read indicated lying to be a measure of intelligence, in very young children.
Although we think of truthfulness as a young child’s paramount virtue, it turns out that lying is the more advanced skill. A child who is going to lie must recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and be able to convincingly sell that new reality to someone else. Therefore, lying demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn’t require. “It’s a developmental milestone,” Talwar has concluded.
So, is it a good thing that we teach our children to lie to us? Should I be pleased that my not-quite-3-and-a-half year old son is getting quite adept at making up stories? [A recent favorite: "My grandfather is fierce! He used to make toothbrushes!" I suspect this one was related to a dream, as it came just after he woke from a reverie.] I want to encourage him to write stories of his own, but then am I encouraging him to blur the boundary between truth and fiction?
On the other hand, one of the books on my Amazon Wish List is Already Ready: Nurturing Writers in Preschool and Kindergarten. Up until now, my thoughts regarding the suggestions of the authors revolved around whether or not the activity would impede or improve my son's progress toward learning and loving to read and write. The authors assert that children should write books and draw pictures associated with the "words", even before they know how to read and write or even know their letters. This is a similar notion to one in the Tools of the Mind classrooms, which assert that even such young children who scribble fake writing will remember what they "wrote" and can "read" it back to others. By using such methods, am I helping or hurting my child's honesty skills?
Having read NurtureShock when my son was very young, I made early attempts to curb behaviors of my own and my husband's that I thought would contribute to the development of untruthfulness. Truth has been a big issue with me for most of my life. I'm not perfect, though: I still fib often enough. But I try to avoid an outright lie as much as possible. When I see a friend's child whom I am expected to praise, and to my own eyes, the child isn't anything my eyeballs care to focus on, I will not exclaim over how insane beautiful said child is. I've seen people make absurdly effusive comments on the issue of beautiful babies when there is clearly no such element to the baby in question. Sure, it's better than saying, "Hey, um, are you sure you put the right end of the kid in the diaper?" But isn't it also possible to make comments other than on the beauty (or lack thereof) of a child? How about how sweet, adorable, happy, cheerful, fun, playful, calm, rambunctious, fiesty, gentle, bright-eyed, quick, observant, mobile, strong, or clever the child is?
Bronson and Merryman talk about these kinds of white lies as a way in which parents encourage their children to lie. Parents look on their efforts as teaching children to be polite. But aren't they really teaching insincerity? How about instead, we teach children to find the silver lining? Or to tactfully tell the truth?
I am reminded of a rant I wrote several years ago (April 2003) in a vent of frustration about Being Nice:
The end result of this analysis was that I discovered a very key distinction between being nice and being kind. Being kind is honest. It's genuine. Someone is kind because of something intrinsic to themselves. However, being nice...well, it's an affect. If you have to be nice, it means you are not already disposed to be kind. It means you prefer to do something else, but for the sake of making life easier in some regard (possibly by not offending someone), you do what is needed to appear kind.It’s difficult to live the life of a nice person. You have to be caring and considerate and cannot voice the thought “Fuck you!” when you are upset. You have to listen and be mild, patient and courteous, even if you don’t give a damn or aren’t really interested in the effects of what you’re told. Being nice involves time and requires some amount of dedication. It’s often a falsehood, a mask we don to maintain the illusion as a return favor for those who similarly appreciate how it makes the other feel to believe we are nice, yet sadly the rarity of veracity in nicety, a thing of scarcity, is of a quality that may cause one to believe in more amity than exists in reality.Hooray, huzzah for nicety!
I read a lot of pre-20th Century fiction, and the word nice as it was used then is different from how it is used now. Niceness has changed in meaning a great deal over time. Women were "nice" with their apparel being arranged just-so. Manners were "nice," and "disaffected" and "disinterestedness" were good things.
So, if one avoids being "nice" and aims to reduce punishments that reward the parents with dishonest children, what kinds of consequences result?
The average Pennsylvania teen was 244 percent more likely to lie than to protest a rule. In the families where there was less deception, however, there was a much higher ratio of arguing and complaining. The argument enabled the child to speak honestly. Certain types of fighting, despite the acrimony, were ultimately signs of respect—not of disrespect.Hmm. The child will argue? Well, I guess that's something different.... But is it a bad thing? A worse thing?
Consider what it means for a child to argue: one, we already know the child is being open with the parent. There is a certain level of trust there. Two, teens are developing their reasoning skills. To argue with a parent or another adult is to practice this newly developed surge in logical deduction. Three, children of all ages learn by testing their boundaries. Does no always mean no? How about when your back is turned?
If the child is arguing about a rule or a decision, it really is a sign of respect that should not be ignored. Some parents get this far and then mess it up by throwing out an ultimatum like "Because I said so." Some others prefer to wade in vagueries and hope the child gives up the pursuit. This is not helping the child to understand the reasoning the parent is using, so if the teenager cannot comprehend a sufficient reason to follow the rule or decision, he is far more likely to do what he wants anyway and try not to get caught.
From what I've read by those who have really studied the matters of parenting and child development, it seems like honesty with your children is the best policy. But only so much as they need. (For example, when your 5 year old child asks about things like sex, only answer the questions that are asked, and answer them honestly and briefly. No bees, flowers, gardens, or other confusing metaphors.) Ultimatums and waffles do not help develop your teenager's burgeoning rationality but rather fight against it. A child is much better protected against vice when she understands the reasons behind avoiding it. Because I Said So only teaches the child that she shouldn't do something because her dad is mean and won't let her, even though she really wants to do it. And dad just "doesn't get it". It's like throwing a crowbar into a relationship and dividing things between the overbearing authoritarian parent who merely wants to be obeyed (and cannot understand how the world makes sense otherwise) and the child who merely wants to be granted some power in her own life, to be allowed to make mistakes and learn and grow (and can't understand why her authoritarian parents never listen to her).
A waffle parent that just avoids conflict and never gives any kind of response is just as bad, if not worse. "Maybe" that never turns to a solid answer, never gets explained, never gets discussed becomes a source of frustration for a teenager, and disincentivizes a child from even bothering to ask permission. "Well, mom is just going to ignore the question anyway, so I'll just do it and hope she doesn't get mad later." This leaves the kid floundering, drowning, with no spring board for rational development.
Open, honest communication about the reasons (or most of them) for a parental decision will help the child to understand early on in life that his parents do not just randomly decide things--that there is a basis behind the choices parents and other adults make and this basis is often very important. Understanding, too, that arguments do not have to be detrimental to a relationship, can go a long way. In Formal Logic, an argument is merely how a position is framed for asserting something. The child can bring an argument to his parents without it being a fight. A conversation may begin about whether or not the child can stay the night at a friend's house. Rather than say "Yes, because that's okay with me" or "No, because I said so" or "Maybe......", a discussion of the idea and its soundness could result. "Well, if Mason's parents didn't have to go into work on the weekends, I wouldn't have a problem with it. How about Mason staying over here instead?" or "Not this weekend, because we have other plans/haven't met Mason or his parents and would like to do that first." or "Yes, but I need to speak with his parents first to discuss the details and make sure everything is in order before making a final determination." Whatever the situation calls for.
Let's help our children become the best adults they can be by helping teach them by example. Let's demonstrate honesty as an effective policy. Let's establish trust between parent and child by not demanding that our children curb their own feelings. Let's avoid pushing our progeny into situations where they feel compelled to dishonest responses. Let's cherish the ability of our children to come up with solutions to problems and share them with us, without considering such an affront to our self-considered superiority. Let's remember that the end-game of parenting is to have a fully-functional adult come out of the process and provide the tools that will help such an adult evolve.
And let's be honest: we're not going to be perfect about it!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
In Which I Use Boating as a Metaphor for Parenting
Avast, me hearties!
Ahem. First, a pet peeve: not all boating is about pirates. Yes, I have often fallen victim to the modern notion that sailors=pirates, but I know it isn't true. My own father has been a marine mechanic for over 20 years, repairing inboard and outboard engines on personal crafts. I grew up within a mile of the Gulf of Mexico, and as my father had his business based out of our backyard for many years of my childhood, my sister and I were often put in the position of having to go along with Dad while he went about his employment.
When you are 8 years old, and your father takes you out on a boat with an engine that needs repairing, there is a very familiar circumstance that often occurs. It's called, "Hold the wheel, and point at that shore." Then Dad hangs out fiddling around with engine-y things in the back of the boat (a.k.a. aft of you) while you hold the wheel, nervously aiming it faithfully at the concrete sea wall ahead, crashing through the waves at whatever speed the throttle was last set to obey. My dad liked to drive at uncomfortably (for me) fast speeds. There would always come a point at which a panicky, thin voice would escape my throat, beckoning, "Dad! Dad! DAD!" My half-deaf father would eventually respond and steer the boat into the channel, then abandon me or my sister at the helm again.
(Incidentally, he did this while driving, too. I can't tell you the number of times we were on the highway while my dad wanted to finish his latest Western novel and asked one of us elementary-age daughters to hold the wheel for him.)
Among the things I learned about boating was that the steering isn't the same on a boat as it is in a car (or my dirt bike that I had back then, either). Steering a boat, you rely on the rudder and propulsion, the waves and the direction of the boat, along with a number of other factors. It can feel like a frictionless environment, inspiring fear and panic because you can't seem to get a grip on anything.
Being a parent, one thing is certain: there is always a first time. And no matter how prepared or unprepared you may be, your own parent is going to toddle off to the background while you are left in charge of steering the boat on your own, like it or not. And that boat of yours will want to go its own way. Sometimes that's okay. Out on the ocean, there are huge, wide open spaces with a vast variety of locations. The choices are nearly limitless. But near land, near other people and structures, more care must be exercised. And even out on the open ocean there are dangers: predators, unseen shoals, storms, and a multitude of other, perhaps unpreventable or unforeseeable consequences.
Few boats will be guided precisely. They will slide and skid, and most with outboard engines will spend some time dredging and will lose paint below the prop because the boat pilot ignored the tilt/trim of the engine.
How does one pilot a boat? How does one get the boat to obey a command? Boats are not commanded. They are guided. The pilot's job is to provide direction and redirection. A boat cannot understand "do not go there". A boat can only comprehend, "Here is where we must go to be safe.
So, how does this relate to parenting? Well, imagine you are the one piloting the boat...and the boat is your child. When near to shore, the water is shallower and there are a great number of people nearby. There are also a greater number of islands and structures, etc. In other words, there are a multitude of ways to be in harm's way--or to put someone or something in harm's way.
Sure, you can go out to sea and avoid nearly all the obstacles, and sometimes, perhaps even a great deal of the time, that is practical. But you have to spend time near shore. And near shore, there are channels. If you know the area very well, you may be familiar with places that are safe to steer your boat that are outside the prescribed channel, but generally speaking, you'll need to keep your boat aligned between the posts where the ground under the sea is regularly dredged. The path most traveled is the safest path.
Some people do foolish things while out on the water in their boats. They get drunk or high and think that they can do the same things they can do sober. They get a bit reckless. Some get extremely reckless (and, potentially, wreck-ful).
Depending on how you treat your boat, a variety of outcomes are possible. Often, as I mentioned, people neglect to note the disposition of the engine. They end up doing some dredging of their own by not adjusting the tilt sufficiently when in shallow waters. Correspondingly, if you neglect to attend your child's feelings, particularly during stressful situations, scarring (both physical and emotional) can occur. For a boat, the problem is typically a wearing away of the paint on the bottom-most portion of the outboard engine. Sometimes bit of the metal are dinged from hitting hard surfaces on the ocean floor. But sometimes, in very bad situations, the propeller itself is irrevocably damaged.
Everyone is bound to get some scrapes and scratches along the way. We all have times when we are lost in ourselves and forget to consider the feelings of others. But our children rely on us as their parents to make the effort to consider them. Oftentimes, no one else is there to do so.
However, parents can sometimes develop habits of continually dredging with their children-boats. Perhaps it's a continual barrage of fault-finding. Maybe it's physical abuse. Could be it's the act of giving so much space to the child that there appears to be no parent whatsoever. And very often it's the continual authoritarian attitude that "I'm bigger and therefore I know better, and you need to listen to me and respect me because I said I'm right and therefore I am."
All of these parenting behaviors leave children feeling a reduced sense of self-worth and even have some seeking to do the ultimate dredge.
What I ask, then, is for you as the boater (maybe the vessel is only a loaner; the request is the same) to perform regular maintenance checks. How is the tilt of the engine? Does it need maintenance? You won't know unless you look. However, as my father the marine mechanic will tell you, all boats require regular maintenance. The reason? In our case, living by the ocean, he says that people do one of the most ridiculous things: they take an engine and put it in salt water. It is GUARANTEED to have issues merely on the basis that it is an ENGINE in SALT WATER. There are parts that wear out regularly and need to be changed (i.e. anodes, cathodes, oil change, etc.) or damage will certainly occur.
So do this: take regular stock of your child. Every day, make an effort to actually look closely at your child. You'll be surprised at how seldom you really do. Try to make eye contact, to ask genuine questions, and to LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. This is regular maintenance. Attend to your child's feelings and desires without belittling them. Don't assume that just because the ground looks far away to you that the boat's engine won't strike it in a damaging way. Other people's problems are the easiest to solve--because they are not one's own. And children, alas, are in a position of near powerlessness. Empower them. Recharge their batteries by giving them your time and attention, even if you only have a few minutes of real connection time a day. Do it. You'll be happy with the results--and so will your child.
Ahem. First, a pet peeve: not all boating is about pirates. Yes, I have often fallen victim to the modern notion that sailors=pirates, but I know it isn't true. My own father has been a marine mechanic for over 20 years, repairing inboard and outboard engines on personal crafts. I grew up within a mile of the Gulf of Mexico, and as my father had his business based out of our backyard for many years of my childhood, my sister and I were often put in the position of having to go along with Dad while he went about his employment.
When you are 8 years old, and your father takes you out on a boat with an engine that needs repairing, there is a very familiar circumstance that often occurs. It's called, "Hold the wheel, and point at that shore." Then Dad hangs out fiddling around with engine-y things in the back of the boat (a.k.a. aft of you) while you hold the wheel, nervously aiming it faithfully at the concrete sea wall ahead, crashing through the waves at whatever speed the throttle was last set to obey. My dad liked to drive at uncomfortably (for me) fast speeds. There would always come a point at which a panicky, thin voice would escape my throat, beckoning, "Dad! Dad! DAD!" My half-deaf father would eventually respond and steer the boat into the channel, then abandon me or my sister at the helm again.
(Incidentally, he did this while driving, too. I can't tell you the number of times we were on the highway while my dad wanted to finish his latest Western novel and asked one of us elementary-age daughters to hold the wheel for him.)
Among the things I learned about boating was that the steering isn't the same on a boat as it is in a car (or my dirt bike that I had back then, either). Steering a boat, you rely on the rudder and propulsion, the waves and the direction of the boat, along with a number of other factors. It can feel like a frictionless environment, inspiring fear and panic because you can't seem to get a grip on anything.
Being a parent, one thing is certain: there is always a first time. And no matter how prepared or unprepared you may be, your own parent is going to toddle off to the background while you are left in charge of steering the boat on your own, like it or not. And that boat of yours will want to go its own way. Sometimes that's okay. Out on the ocean, there are huge, wide open spaces with a vast variety of locations. The choices are nearly limitless. But near land, near other people and structures, more care must be exercised. And even out on the open ocean there are dangers: predators, unseen shoals, storms, and a multitude of other, perhaps unpreventable or unforeseeable consequences.
Few boats will be guided precisely. They will slide and skid, and most with outboard engines will spend some time dredging and will lose paint below the prop because the boat pilot ignored the tilt/trim of the engine.
How does one pilot a boat? How does one get the boat to obey a command? Boats are not commanded. They are guided. The pilot's job is to provide direction and redirection. A boat cannot understand "do not go there". A boat can only comprehend, "Here is where we must go to be safe.
So, how does this relate to parenting? Well, imagine you are the one piloting the boat...and the boat is your child. When near to shore, the water is shallower and there are a great number of people nearby. There are also a greater number of islands and structures, etc. In other words, there are a multitude of ways to be in harm's way--or to put someone or something in harm's way.
Sure, you can go out to sea and avoid nearly all the obstacles, and sometimes, perhaps even a great deal of the time, that is practical. But you have to spend time near shore. And near shore, there are channels. If you know the area very well, you may be familiar with places that are safe to steer your boat that are outside the prescribed channel, but generally speaking, you'll need to keep your boat aligned between the posts where the ground under the sea is regularly dredged. The path most traveled is the safest path.
Some people do foolish things while out on the water in their boats. They get drunk or high and think that they can do the same things they can do sober. They get a bit reckless. Some get extremely reckless (and, potentially, wreck-ful).
Depending on how you treat your boat, a variety of outcomes are possible. Often, as I mentioned, people neglect to note the disposition of the engine. They end up doing some dredging of their own by not adjusting the tilt sufficiently when in shallow waters. Correspondingly, if you neglect to attend your child's feelings, particularly during stressful situations, scarring (both physical and emotional) can occur. For a boat, the problem is typically a wearing away of the paint on the bottom-most portion of the outboard engine. Sometimes bit of the metal are dinged from hitting hard surfaces on the ocean floor. But sometimes, in very bad situations, the propeller itself is irrevocably damaged.
Everyone is bound to get some scrapes and scratches along the way. We all have times when we are lost in ourselves and forget to consider the feelings of others. But our children rely on us as their parents to make the effort to consider them. Oftentimes, no one else is there to do so.
However, parents can sometimes develop habits of continually dredging with their children-boats. Perhaps it's a continual barrage of fault-finding. Maybe it's physical abuse. Could be it's the act of giving so much space to the child that there appears to be no parent whatsoever. And very often it's the continual authoritarian attitude that "I'm bigger and therefore I know better, and you need to listen to me and respect me because I said I'm right and therefore I am."
All of these parenting behaviors leave children feeling a reduced sense of self-worth and even have some seeking to do the ultimate dredge.
What I ask, then, is for you as the boater (maybe the vessel is only a loaner; the request is the same) to perform regular maintenance checks. How is the tilt of the engine? Does it need maintenance? You won't know unless you look. However, as my father the marine mechanic will tell you, all boats require regular maintenance. The reason? In our case, living by the ocean, he says that people do one of the most ridiculous things: they take an engine and put it in salt water. It is GUARANTEED to have issues merely on the basis that it is an ENGINE in SALT WATER. There are parts that wear out regularly and need to be changed (i.e. anodes, cathodes, oil change, etc.) or damage will certainly occur.
So do this: take regular stock of your child. Every day, make an effort to actually look closely at your child. You'll be surprised at how seldom you really do. Try to make eye contact, to ask genuine questions, and to LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. This is regular maintenance. Attend to your child's feelings and desires without belittling them. Don't assume that just because the ground looks far away to you that the boat's engine won't strike it in a damaging way. Other people's problems are the easiest to solve--because they are not one's own. And children, alas, are in a position of near powerlessness. Empower them. Recharge their batteries by giving them your time and attention, even if you only have a few minutes of real connection time a day. Do it. You'll be happy with the results--and so will your child.
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