In Which I Use Boating as a Metaphor for Parenting

Avast, me hearties!

Ahem.  First, a pet peeve:  not all boating is about pirates.  Yes, I have often fallen victim to the modern notion that sailors=pirates, but I know it isn't true.  My own father has been a marine mechanic for over 20 years, repairing inboard and outboard engines on personal crafts.  I grew up within a mile of the Gulf of Mexico, and as my father had his business based out of our backyard for many years of my childhood, my sister and I were often put in the position of having to go along with Dad while he went about his employment.

When you are 8 years old, and your father takes you out on a boat with an engine that needs repairing, there is a very familiar circumstance that often occurs.  It's called, "Hold the wheel, and point at that shore."  Then Dad hangs out fiddling around with engine-y things in the back of the boat (a.k.a. aft of you) while you hold the wheel, nervously aiming it faithfully at the concrete sea wall ahead, crashing through the waves at whatever speed the throttle was last set to obey.  My dad liked to drive at uncomfortably (for me) fast speeds.  There would always come a point at which a panicky, thin voice would escape my throat, beckoning, "Dad!  Dad!  DAD!"  My half-deaf father would eventually respond and steer the boat into the channel, then abandon me or my sister at the helm again.

(Incidentally, he did this while driving, too.  I can't tell you the number of times we were on the highway while my dad wanted to finish his latest Western novel and asked one of us elementary-age daughters to hold the wheel for him.)

Among the things I learned about boating was that the steering isn't the same on a boat as it is in a car (or my dirt bike that I had back then, either).  Steering a boat, you rely on the rudder and propulsion, the waves and the direction of the boat, along with a number of other factors.  It can feel like a frictionless environment, inspiring fear and panic because you can't seem to get a grip on anything.

Being a parent, one thing is certain:  there is always a first time.  And no matter how prepared or unprepared you may be, your own parent is going to toddle off to the background while you are left in charge of steering the boat on your own, like it or not.  And that boat of yours will want to go its own way.  Sometimes that's okay.  Out on the ocean, there are huge, wide open spaces with a vast variety of locations.  The choices are nearly limitless.  But near land, near other people and structures, more care must be exercised.  And even out on the open ocean there are dangers:  predators, unseen shoals, storms, and a multitude of other, perhaps unpreventable or unforeseeable consequences.

Few boats will be guided precisely.  They will slide and skid, and most with outboard engines will spend some time dredging and will lose paint below the prop because the boat pilot ignored the tilt/trim of the engine.

How does one pilot a boat?  How does one get the boat to obey a command?  Boats are not commanded.  They are guided.  The pilot's job is to provide direction and redirection.  A boat cannot understand "do not go there".  A boat can only comprehend, "Here is where we must go to be safe.

So, how does this relate to parenting?  Well, imagine you are the one piloting the boat...and the boat is your child.  When near to shore, the water is shallower and there are a great number of people nearby.  There are also a greater number of islands and structures, etc.  In other words, there are a multitude of ways to be in harm's way--or to put someone or something in harm's way.

Sure, you can go out to sea and avoid nearly all the obstacles, and sometimes, perhaps even a great deal of the time, that is practical.  But you have to spend time near shore.  And near shore, there are channels.  If you know the area very well, you may be familiar with places that are safe to steer your boat that are outside the prescribed channel, but generally speaking, you'll need to keep your boat aligned between the posts where the ground under the sea is regularly dredged.  The path most traveled is the safest path.

Some people do foolish things while out on the water in their boats.  They get drunk or high and think that they can do the same things they can do sober.  They get a bit reckless.  Some get extremely reckless (and, potentially, wreck-ful).

Depending on how you treat your boat, a variety of outcomes are possible.  Often, as I mentioned, people neglect to note the disposition of the engine.  They end up doing some dredging of their own by not adjusting the tilt sufficiently when in shallow waters.  Correspondingly, if you neglect to attend your child's feelings, particularly during stressful situations, scarring (both physical and emotional) can occur.  For a boat, the problem is typically a wearing away of the paint on the bottom-most portion of the outboard engine.  Sometimes bit of the metal are dinged from hitting hard surfaces on the ocean floor.  But sometimes, in very bad situations, the propeller itself is irrevocably damaged.

Everyone is bound to get some scrapes and scratches along the way.  We all have times when we are lost in ourselves and forget to consider the feelings of others.  But our children rely on us as their parents to make the effort to consider them.  Oftentimes, no one else is there to do so.

However, parents can sometimes develop habits of continually dredging with their children-boats.  Perhaps it's a continual barrage of fault-finding.  Maybe it's physical abuse.  Could be it's the act of giving so much space to the child that there appears to be no parent whatsoever.  And very often it's the continual authoritarian attitude that "I'm bigger and therefore I know better, and you need to listen to me and respect me because I said I'm right and therefore I am."

All of these parenting behaviors leave children feeling a reduced sense of self-worth and even have some seeking to do the ultimate dredge.

What I ask, then, is for you as the boater (maybe the vessel is only a loaner; the request is the same) to perform regular maintenance checks.  How is the tilt of the engine?  Does it need maintenance?  You won't know unless you look.  However, as my father the marine mechanic will tell you, all boats require regular maintenance.  The reason?  In our case, living by the ocean, he says that people do one of the most ridiculous things:  they take an engine and put it in salt water.  It is GUARANTEED to have issues merely on the basis that it is an ENGINE in SALT WATER.  There are parts that wear out regularly and need to be changed (i.e. anodes, cathodes, oil change, etc.) or damage will certainly occur.

So do this:  take regular stock of your child.  Every day, make an effort to actually look closely at your child.  You'll be surprised at how seldom you really do.  Try to make eye contact, to ask genuine questions, and to LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS.  This is regular maintenance.  Attend to your child's feelings and desires without belittling them.  Don't assume that just because the ground looks far away to you that the boat's engine won't strike it in a damaging way.  Other people's problems are the easiest to solve--because they are not one's own.  And children, alas, are in a position of near powerlessness.  Empower them.  Recharge their batteries by giving them your time and attention, even if you only have a few minutes of real connection time a day.  Do it.  You'll be happy with the results--and so will your child.