Parenting Philosophy Toolbox, Part 4

(This is part 4 of a series. To see the the first part, click here.)

4. Life will never be the same again. Heraclitus said that you never step in the same river twice. This analogy is so true when applied to childrearing. Once you become a parent, you will always be so (even if you outlive your child). The lifestyle you experience before having children will change and never fully revert to the same it once was. There is a constant forward march that keeps your offspring moving through the stages of growth and development, and to truly be a wise parent, one must recognize this universal truth about living.

The life you have before becoming a parent is not the same life you have after the baby hatches. It never will be again. The sooner parents can acknowledge and deal with this reality, the better. Fighting it does not help and is more likely, in fact, to make matters worse. Accepting that life will never have the same level of potential spontaneity that it once did (and implementing a regular schedule for yourself) will go a long way toward easing a new parent into the new regime.

This lesson was a struggle for Andrew and I to incorporate into our own toolbox. We fought the idea that life would never be the same. In the meantime, we gave ourselves a lot of trouble trying to make the old regime (two adults, no kids) mesh with the new regime (two adults, one newborn). Even habits that we had adopted during the 9 months before we were "officially" parents were tough to break, such as staying up late watching rented DVDs or going out at night to play trivia at the local pizza place. Our attempts to combine two paradigms into one were leaving us strained to an unsustainable level.

We had to change; we had to adapt to the circumstances that were unavoidable all around us. We had to accept our new roles as parents, for one. I had believed I would work from home and spent over 4 months trying to get 10 hours a week done--and rarely succeeding. I had to accept that my body was not going to be the same shape after gaining 50lbs, giving birth, and losing a total of 50lbs again. I had to accept that I was at the beck and call of a small, helpless creature for whenever it needed nourishment. I had to try to sleep as often as possible because the sleep that I was getting was minimal and only for short durations.

Life changed for Andrew as well. He had to understand that my anatomy was altered, and that another person now had first dibs on my time and attention. Not having even held a baby until having one of his own, the newborn phase was very difficult for Andrew. He had to learn a whole new set of behaviors and eschew others that were highly ingrained in him.

But then slowly, gradually, babies grow into toddlers. Then the rules change. Every step of the way, things change. The home that was safe for a newborn is suddenly not safe for the crawler. The home that was safe for the cruiser is no longer well-suited for the new-walker. The new-walker is suddenly a climber, and then before you know it, your child is defeating all your baby-proofing.

The newborn nurses when upset and it's calming. But by 6 months, food is insufficient to calm the child and he will often rebel if provided breastmilk when he's hurt or scared or sad. After all, he's trying to tell you there's a problem, and you're telling him to shut up, that you don't want to hear about it, rather than letting him know that you understand his problem.

Nursing babies eventually start on mushy solids. Then tiny bites of solids fed by hand. Then they feed themselves, on their terms. The rules keep changing.

Down the road, perhaps another child comes along, and everything is different with her. Her personality may be a complete 180 of the first child. Different sleep habits, different behaviors, different preferences all present variations of their own. And life just keeps changing, always flowing, never the same.

The important part to remember at any point along the way is that it's just a phase. While some phases may last longer than others, nothing stays completely static because we cannot stop time. Children grow up, parents grow old. Children are not children forever, so we must accept this and do what we can to appreciate each stage along the way. If a child is currently in a period that is aggravating to the parent (i.e. incapable of verbal communication), this will not last an eternity--though it may seem it at the time. Kids eventually develop skills and minds of their own that are capable of making decisions. However, it takes a lifetime to become a fully developed individual.

With each new phase we have to learn to adapt. If your child is ready to move out of the crib or feed herself, you as the parent need to acknowledge that and make it possible. If your child is not ready to potty train, you as the parent need to be patient and wait until your child is ready. If your "baby" is 12 years old, then he needs to know how to do laundry and dishes and receive lessons in cooking. Your 16 year old daughter needs to learn how to use jumper cables and replace a tire if you are going to let her drive.

A parent's job is not simply to babysit children until they are 18 and assume legal responsibility for their own actions. We have a responsibility to the future (including our own) to see that the kids we raise develop the skills they will need to survive on their own. They will need to learn critical thinking techniques and decision making processes. They will need to know that they are allowed to make mistakes--but that they have also been given the tools they will need to succeed.

The specifics of parenting necessarily change at every level. Your interactions with your progeny must allow for your burgeoning little one to grow as a person. Life is always in flux, and it will never be the same again. This is a good thing! No one wants to spend 60 years changing diapers. In time your child(ren) will become the people their genetics and life experiences have helped them to be. And as a parent our job is to help, not hinder, and sit back to watch the show as the life we created metamorphoses into someone truly unique--and always changing.

Parenting Philosophy Toolbox, Part 3

(This is part 3 of a series. To start from the beginning, click here.)

3. Parenting is a full-time job. And by full-time, I don't mean just 40 hours a week--I mean 24/7/365.25. There is no time off for good behavior. Even if you hire a babysitter, you are still the primary caregiver of your child. Going to work is great (someone has to pay the bills, after all), but parenting still needs to be done when you get home. Ultimately and primarily, as the parent(s) you have to make all the decisions regarding your child. It's expensive. It's time-consuming. It's emotionally and physically draining work, both for a parent who stays with the child throughout the day and for the parent who works outside of the home. No one has it easy. And just because you're having a bad day or not feeling well, just because your back hurts or you're mad at your boss, just because you're exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before because a certain someone kept waking you--none of that excuses you from your duty to be a good parent.

Just because you go to work to earn a living, it doesn't mean that all you are expected to do when you get home is to vegetate in front of the TV or the computer. (Alternatively, just because you've been home with your child all day, you're not off the hook just because your partner is home from work.)

Furthermore, if you and your spouse/sig-oth separate, the time the other parent is due to have custody of the children is not "ruined" if they cancel and you learn that you will have the child(ren) with you after all. TOO BAD. I feel a need to include this because I have known people in this situation who will complain about their ex not being able to take their scheduled time with the kids. What they forget is that for the rest of us who are still together or who are families with only one parent at all, we do not have disposable children. They are ours year round. They are a challenge, and at times they may feel burdensome, but they are a fact. Making your kids feel unwanted by whining about how you missed your chance for some freedom from them is no way to foster a positive conception of relationships in your progeny.

What is more: you only get one chance to raise your children. After that, they are grown and your job is done, regardless of the level of parenting they received. Do it right the first time. Take the time to appreciate each phase of your child's life. Give your baby face time instead of sitting together watching Baby Einstein or Sesame Street. Interact with your child. Teach them by example how you expect them to behave. The old saying about practicing what you preach is very key here because despite what we'd like to believe, children are not so good at listening to what we tell them to do--but they are very good at copying what we do. In my own experience, I've found that my son Jackson has been far better at saying "thank you" than a lot of other children whose parents are continually telling them to say it. The difference? He pays attention to what Andrew and I do, which is to be polite when he hands things to us by saying "thank you" to him. He knows it's what we do so he does it, too.

This same concept is true even in the behaviors we don't want children to mimic. If you don't want your children to use foul language, don't use it yourself. If you don't want them to smoke/drink alcohol/use drugs/become a lawyer, don't do it yourself. If you don't want your children to be violent or promiscuous or slovenly, don't do it yourself--and what's more, provide them with the tools they will need to succeed.

Teach your child about your decision-making processes. Talk to him/her about financial sense and the importance of saving for retirement (but don't go overboard and scare/bore the kid). Show your offspring how to develop systems of organization so that they can succeed at having an orderly room when you bellow for them to clean it--and provide the physical framework to make it possible. Let your children see that there is more to a relationship than bodies grinding together; demonstrate your positive relations with your partner through word and action.

By being a proactive parent rather than a reactive parent, you will find that you will achieve far better results, regardless of the age of your child. Plan ahead for things that you can regularly expect to occur (like meals and bedtime). Communicate with each other and your child. Be consistent in your parenting and in your exemplification of what it is to be an adult. Your children are relying on you ALL THE TIME for this. Do it right the first time--because there IS no second time.

Parenting Philosophy Toolbox, Part 2

This is Part 2 of a series on Parenting Philosophy elements to be used in an overall toolbox of ideas. By having a mental framework in place for how you believe situations should be handled, raising children becomes a much more attainable goal. To start at the beginning of this series, click here.)

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2. Babies (and children) are emotional, not rational, beings. Yes, babies will cry for rational purposes. If hungry, thirsty, wet, soiled, tired, cold, hot, etc., they will let you know in the only way they know that works. They will also cry at loud noises or because they miss you. They will cry because they don't understand that you are preparing the food, just that they want it now and it's not in the belly, which by the way, is very unhappy and wants fooooooooooooood!

Some are more sensitive than others. Jackson's friend Corinne would often cry if he looked at her or just said anything while she was around. Jackson, on the other hand, would cry if he was on the floor while I was standing. It's not something changeable about babies, so it's something that has to be accepted and treated accordingly. Again, by validating Jackson's emotions, rather than by making him feel that he is wrong for having them, he has developed a very strong sense of independence and is a highly secure child for his age. This is a good thing!

This same element was particularly evident with Jackson when it came to applying consequences to his behaviors. As babies begin their toddler stage, they test their boundaries. Sometimes Jackson would misbehave (i.e. play roughly with the vertical blinds) and so we would scold him. But he didn't respond to just saying no, and eventually we tried giving him time out. That worked very briefly, but we found that what was actually causing him to play with the blinds was that he felt in that moment that he wasn't getting enough attention. He knew that playing with the blinds would work. He would get yelled at, then go right back at it, be put into time out, even cry and protest wordlessly that he didn't want to be in time out. But then as soon as he was free again, he would run right back to the blinds, full well knowing that another time out was to follow.

Dr. Harvey Karp addresses this sort of phenomena in his book The Happiest Toddler on the Block. (I highly recommend you read this book, even if your child is no longer a toddler!) He stresses that the biggest key to avoiding behavioral problems is to give your child plenty of face time. In the above scenario, I applied that idea, and it's largely worked. So long as Jackson receives sufficient time with Mommy and Daddy every so many minutes of play time, he's happy and far less likely to get into trouble.

The general gist is this: while you may think your baby is overreacting or being irrational, and you're probably right, to him or her it's important that you respond. Moreover, it's important that you as a parent respond in a way that acknowledges and validates (or at least appears to) your child's feelings. Responding quickly and sincerely, and giving your child plenty of your love and attention on his terms will make for a much happier household all around. Let's face it, if the baby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

This is also an important consideration for children who are no longer babies or toddlers. Around the time of puberty a person's reasoning functions start to really kick into gear. Until then children are still primarily emotionally-charged individuals. They will do things without knowing the purpose (if any), even if some part of them is at least vaguely aware that they could get into trouble for doing them. In preschool, my sister and I felt a sincere need to utilize an entire box of Band-Aids as stickers. We were so excited by the fun of the experience that getting yelled at for it was just some distant thought that hadn't really occurred until it was too late.

My nephew Gage had not spent much time outside of school with kids his age, so he spent as much of his time at school as possible socializing with other children instead of doing his classwork. He knew that Mommy would be furious with him for doing poorly in school, but he couldn't help himself. His emotions took over and demanded to be appeased. When asked in front of about a dozen family members why he was doing so poorly in school, then-8-year-old Gage could only crawl into his Auntie's lap and snuggle up to me in defense. He could not explain his actions in words. He could not justify his behavior because he did not have the vocabulary and the reasoning skills to recognize that it was an emotional need he was attempting to fulfill.

Meet the emotional needs as well as the physical, and trust that, in time, reason will grace your child with its presence! It's a long, arduous process that cannot be forced. You cannot yell your way into making a kid more rational. But you can love and respect him so that he will willingly learn from your example--rather than be repelled by it.

Stay tuned next week for the next installment of the parenting philosophy toolbox!