The life you have before becoming a parent is not the same life you have after the baby hatches. It never will be again. The sooner parents can acknowledge and deal with this reality, the better. Fighting it does not help and is more likely, in fact, to make matters worse. Accepting that life will never have the same level of potential spontaneity that it once did (and implementing a regular schedule for yourself) will go a long way toward easing a new parent into the new regime.
This lesson was a struggle for Andrew and I to incorporate into our own toolbox. We fought the idea that life would never be the same. In the meantime, we gave ourselves a lot of trouble trying to make the old regime (two adults, no kids) mesh with the new regime (two adults, one newborn). Even habits that we had adopted during the 9 months before we were "officially" parents were tough to break, such as staying up late watching rented DVDs or going out at night to play trivia at the local pizza place. Our attempts to combine two paradigms into one were leaving us strained to an unsustainable level.
We had to change; we had to adapt to the circumstances that were unavoidable all around us. We had to accept our new roles as parents, for one. I had believed I would work from home and spent over 4 months trying to get 10 hours a week done--and rarely succeeding. I had to accept that my body was not going to be the same shape after gaining 50lbs, giving birth, and losing a total of 50lbs again. I had to accept that I was at the beck and call of a small, helpless creature for whenever it needed nourishment. I had to try to sleep as often as possible because the sleep that I was getting was minimal and only for short durations.
Life changed for Andrew as well. He had to understand that my anatomy was altered, and that another person now had first dibs on my time and attention. Not having even held a baby until having one of his own, the newborn phase was very difficult for Andrew. He had to learn a whole new set of behaviors and eschew others that were highly ingrained in him.
But then slowly, gradually, babies grow into toddlers. Then the rules change. Every step of the way, things change. The home that was safe for a newborn is suddenly not safe for the crawler. The home that was safe for the cruiser is no longer well-suited for the new-walker. The new-walker is suddenly a climber, and then before you know it, your child is defeating all your baby-proofing.
The newborn nurses when upset and it's calming. But by 6 months, food is insufficient to calm the child and he will often rebel if provided breastmilk when he's hurt or scared or sad. After all, he's trying to tell you there's a problem, and you're telling him to shut up, that you don't want to hear about it, rather than letting him know that you understand his problem.
Nursing babies eventually start on mushy solids. Then tiny bites of solids fed by hand. Then they feed themselves, on their terms. The rules keep changing.
Down the road, perhaps another child comes along, and everything is different with her. Her personality may be a complete 180 of the first child. Different sleep habits, different behaviors, different preferences all present variations of their own. And life just keeps changing, always flowing, never the same.
The important part to remember at any point along the way is that it's just a phase. While some phases may last longer than others, nothing stays completely static because we cannot stop time. Children grow up, parents grow old. Children are not children forever, so we must accept this and do what we can to appreciate each stage along the way. If a child is currently in a period that is aggravating to the parent (i.e. incapable of verbal communication), this will not last an eternity--though it may seem it at the time. Kids eventually develop skills and minds of their own that are capable of making decisions. However, it takes a lifetime to become a fully developed individual.
With each new phase we have to learn to adapt. If your child is ready to move out of the crib or feed herself, you as the parent need to acknowledge that and make it possible. If your child is not ready to potty train, you as the parent need to be patient and wait until your child is ready. If your "baby" is 12 years old, then he needs to know how to do laundry and dishes and receive lessons in cooking. Your 16 year old daughter needs to learn how to use jumper cables and replace a tire if you are going to let her drive.
A parent's job is not simply to babysit children until they are 18 and assume legal responsibility for their own actions. We have a responsibility to the future (including our own) to see that the kids we raise develop the skills they will need to survive on their own. They will need to learn critical thinking techniques and decision making processes. They will need to know that they are allowed to make mistakes--but that they have also been given the tools they will need to succeed.
The specifics of parenting necessarily change at every level. Your interactions with your progeny must allow for your burgeoning little one to grow as a person. Life is always in flux, and it will never be the same again. This is a good thing! No one wants to spend 60 years changing diapers. In time your child(ren) will become the people their genetics and life experiences have helped them to be. And as a parent our job is to help, not hinder, and sit back to watch the show as the life we created metamorphoses into someone truly unique--and always changing.
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