Parenting Philosophy Toolbox, Part 3

(This is part 3 of a series. To start from the beginning, click here.)

3. Parenting is a full-time job. And by full-time, I don't mean just 40 hours a week--I mean 24/7/365.25. There is no time off for good behavior. Even if you hire a babysitter, you are still the primary caregiver of your child. Going to work is great (someone has to pay the bills, after all), but parenting still needs to be done when you get home. Ultimately and primarily, as the parent(s) you have to make all the decisions regarding your child. It's expensive. It's time-consuming. It's emotionally and physically draining work, both for a parent who stays with the child throughout the day and for the parent who works outside of the home. No one has it easy. And just because you're having a bad day or not feeling well, just because your back hurts or you're mad at your boss, just because you're exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before because a certain someone kept waking you--none of that excuses you from your duty to be a good parent.

Just because you go to work to earn a living, it doesn't mean that all you are expected to do when you get home is to vegetate in front of the TV or the computer. (Alternatively, just because you've been home with your child all day, you're not off the hook just because your partner is home from work.)

Furthermore, if you and your spouse/sig-oth separate, the time the other parent is due to have custody of the children is not "ruined" if they cancel and you learn that you will have the child(ren) with you after all. TOO BAD. I feel a need to include this because I have known people in this situation who will complain about their ex not being able to take their scheduled time with the kids. What they forget is that for the rest of us who are still together or who are families with only one parent at all, we do not have disposable children. They are ours year round. They are a challenge, and at times they may feel burdensome, but they are a fact. Making your kids feel unwanted by whining about how you missed your chance for some freedom from them is no way to foster a positive conception of relationships in your progeny.

What is more: you only get one chance to raise your children. After that, they are grown and your job is done, regardless of the level of parenting they received. Do it right the first time. Take the time to appreciate each phase of your child's life. Give your baby face time instead of sitting together watching Baby Einstein or Sesame Street. Interact with your child. Teach them by example how you expect them to behave. The old saying about practicing what you preach is very key here because despite what we'd like to believe, children are not so good at listening to what we tell them to do--but they are very good at copying what we do. In my own experience, I've found that my son Jackson has been far better at saying "thank you" than a lot of other children whose parents are continually telling them to say it. The difference? He pays attention to what Andrew and I do, which is to be polite when he hands things to us by saying "thank you" to him. He knows it's what we do so he does it, too.

This same concept is true even in the behaviors we don't want children to mimic. If you don't want your children to use foul language, don't use it yourself. If you don't want them to smoke/drink alcohol/use drugs/become a lawyer, don't do it yourself. If you don't want your children to be violent or promiscuous or slovenly, don't do it yourself--and what's more, provide them with the tools they will need to succeed.

Teach your child about your decision-making processes. Talk to him/her about financial sense and the importance of saving for retirement (but don't go overboard and scare/bore the kid). Show your offspring how to develop systems of organization so that they can succeed at having an orderly room when you bellow for them to clean it--and provide the physical framework to make it possible. Let your children see that there is more to a relationship than bodies grinding together; demonstrate your positive relations with your partner through word and action.

By being a proactive parent rather than a reactive parent, you will find that you will achieve far better results, regardless of the age of your child. Plan ahead for things that you can regularly expect to occur (like meals and bedtime). Communicate with each other and your child. Be consistent in your parenting and in your exemplification of what it is to be an adult. Your children are relying on you ALL THE TIME for this. Do it right the first time--because there IS no second time.