Parenting Philosophy Toolbox, Part 2

This is Part 2 of a series on Parenting Philosophy elements to be used in an overall toolbox of ideas. By having a mental framework in place for how you believe situations should be handled, raising children becomes a much more attainable goal. To start at the beginning of this series, click here.)

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2. Babies (and children) are emotional, not rational, beings. Yes, babies will cry for rational purposes. If hungry, thirsty, wet, soiled, tired, cold, hot, etc., they will let you know in the only way they know that works. They will also cry at loud noises or because they miss you. They will cry because they don't understand that you are preparing the food, just that they want it now and it's not in the belly, which by the way, is very unhappy and wants fooooooooooooood!

Some are more sensitive than others. Jackson's friend Corinne would often cry if he looked at her or just said anything while she was around. Jackson, on the other hand, would cry if he was on the floor while I was standing. It's not something changeable about babies, so it's something that has to be accepted and treated accordingly. Again, by validating Jackson's emotions, rather than by making him feel that he is wrong for having them, he has developed a very strong sense of independence and is a highly secure child for his age. This is a good thing!

This same element was particularly evident with Jackson when it came to applying consequences to his behaviors. As babies begin their toddler stage, they test their boundaries. Sometimes Jackson would misbehave (i.e. play roughly with the vertical blinds) and so we would scold him. But he didn't respond to just saying no, and eventually we tried giving him time out. That worked very briefly, but we found that what was actually causing him to play with the blinds was that he felt in that moment that he wasn't getting enough attention. He knew that playing with the blinds would work. He would get yelled at, then go right back at it, be put into time out, even cry and protest wordlessly that he didn't want to be in time out. But then as soon as he was free again, he would run right back to the blinds, full well knowing that another time out was to follow.

Dr. Harvey Karp addresses this sort of phenomena in his book The Happiest Toddler on the Block. (I highly recommend you read this book, even if your child is no longer a toddler!) He stresses that the biggest key to avoiding behavioral problems is to give your child plenty of face time. In the above scenario, I applied that idea, and it's largely worked. So long as Jackson receives sufficient time with Mommy and Daddy every so many minutes of play time, he's happy and far less likely to get into trouble.

The general gist is this: while you may think your baby is overreacting or being irrational, and you're probably right, to him or her it's important that you respond. Moreover, it's important that you as a parent respond in a way that acknowledges and validates (or at least appears to) your child's feelings. Responding quickly and sincerely, and giving your child plenty of your love and attention on his terms will make for a much happier household all around. Let's face it, if the baby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

This is also an important consideration for children who are no longer babies or toddlers. Around the time of puberty a person's reasoning functions start to really kick into gear. Until then children are still primarily emotionally-charged individuals. They will do things without knowing the purpose (if any), even if some part of them is at least vaguely aware that they could get into trouble for doing them. In preschool, my sister and I felt a sincere need to utilize an entire box of Band-Aids as stickers. We were so excited by the fun of the experience that getting yelled at for it was just some distant thought that hadn't really occurred until it was too late.

My nephew Gage had not spent much time outside of school with kids his age, so he spent as much of his time at school as possible socializing with other children instead of doing his classwork. He knew that Mommy would be furious with him for doing poorly in school, but he couldn't help himself. His emotions took over and demanded to be appeased. When asked in front of about a dozen family members why he was doing so poorly in school, then-8-year-old Gage could only crawl into his Auntie's lap and snuggle up to me in defense. He could not explain his actions in words. He could not justify his behavior because he did not have the vocabulary and the reasoning skills to recognize that it was an emotional need he was attempting to fulfill.

Meet the emotional needs as well as the physical, and trust that, in time, reason will grace your child with its presence! It's a long, arduous process that cannot be forced. You cannot yell your way into making a kid more rational. But you can love and respect him so that he will willingly learn from your example--rather than be repelled by it.

Stay tuned next week for the next installment of the parenting philosophy toolbox!